I’m so f-ing depressed. Got to snap out of it. Thinking about selling the house and moving. I can’t get it out of my mind. I guess my goal should be to be where I want to live within the year. That’ll give me some time to go through 25-years of stuff I’ve accumulated. That way, no matter what happens, I’ll win. If I get a chance to get out of here, I’ll be ready and down to essentials and if I never escape this town, well, at least it won’t be so hard to clean or impossible to find something! Having too much stuff is not nearly as fun as buying it but little by little, it piles up in dusty corners, mystery-boxes in the attic, storage-shed and basement. How did this happen? It’s not like the hoarding shows on TV. I do throw things out and have plenty room to walk across the room. My real problem is bring more into the house than I take out. Since I’ve always been a Second-Hand Rose, I’m driven to garage sales and second-hand stores. Most of the important things like appliances and underclothing and things like that are bought retail but I would rather go without and spend money on gambling-trips or for a repair or replacement around the home than buy everything from the discount-store. My Mom is kind of a snob in that she thinks she deserves only department store things and then tells me she worked too hard for her money to waste it at the casino. She can’t understand that having some fun and adventure is far more important than what you wear or the quality of the things you possess. I don’t think she knows HOW to have fun. She fears poverty, therefore, there’s never enough money to live on. When she cries poverty, I can’t feel too sorry for her. But then again she lives a pretty sorry life so it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for her —-especially since she’s my Mom….I forgive her for not liking me, for her inability to love and the neglectful and selfish way she raised me. I can’t change that. She is what and who she is and can’t help herself and so I wish her the best always even though I disapprove of the way she lives her life. Funny….that’s what she says about the way I live my life. I’m never going to win with her and I accepted that long ago. I know she can’t see me. She can’t hear me. She’ll never really know me…..and that’s all right. I can’t hold it against her like I used to do when I was younger. Mom’s getting pretty old and I don’t expect she has a lot of time left. If I manage to out-live her, I’ll be moving for sure. I hope time doesn’t run out on me and that’s why I’ve moved my plans forward. It’s time to get rid of this shit! Then…..I’m outta here! I can hardly stand this place and it’s effecting my well-being. Tomorrow I start sorting through all my things. At the very least, my life will be simplified and all the clutter will be out of my way. That ought to snap me out of my funk!